Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
