Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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