god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
