There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
