it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
