I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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