just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
please come you make the beer taste better
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
