Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
