That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
