Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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