I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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