When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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