I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
