dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
