I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
