he thought i was a dude.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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