wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
