Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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