U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
