i love accidental penises.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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