I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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