My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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