I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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