Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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