new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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