omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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