This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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