I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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