i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
