I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
