I'd wear matching sweaters with you
So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
