what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize