having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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