there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
