1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
