I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
