sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
