i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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