the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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