i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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