Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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