My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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