Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Damn victory sex feels great
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
