genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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