y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
