2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
