have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
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