so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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