I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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