I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
