Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
