I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
