so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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