she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
