you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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